Does your need to please others get in the way of having authentic and meaningful relationships?
The people-pleasing pattern that keeps you stuck and disconnected from yourself and the life you want.
Do you call yourself a people-pleaser or are you baffled by the way you seem to inexplicably say “yes” to things you don’t want to do? Either way it’s very likely you often end up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful. A life driven by the fear of rejection and a need for external validation leads to little satisfaction and not much joy. You’re investing your time and energy into what you believe others expect from you, dismissing your own needs, values and beliefs in the process. What is your role in co-creating these situations and relationships where there doesn’t seem to be space for the true you? Let’s talk about how you may be getting in your own way of meaningful relationships and what you can do to start stepping out of this pattern.
The “Yes” dilemma
Feeling overwhelmed, resentful and finding relationships difficult to navigate are often signs that we are taking on more than our share. Are you saying “yes” when you want to say “no” because you worry about the other person’s reaction? Other people’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs are not for us to control and we’re not responsible for them. We can care about others and be there for them without making it our job to keep them happy. We absolutely cannot control what others think. Trying to do so is not only exhausting, but will never get us close to a healthy, supportive or meaningful relationship. Our responsibility is setting our own boundaries (read more about boundaries) and the way we deliver our responses to other people’s requests or suggestions. What they do with that information is up to them.
Letting others be responsible for their own stuff may be unnerving at first. Perhaps it’s something you’ve not been taught or modelled and it might take some time and practise. You could start with becoming aware of the pattern you’re stepping into when you feel an urge to say “yes” despite having no desire to do something. Is there a way you can be authentic about what’s going on for you? How would it feel to say “A part of me wants to say yes, because I care about you and like spending time with you, but this doesn’t sound like something I would enjoy, so I’ll pass”. Notice how you’re being true to yourself, while you’re also letting the other person know you care about them. If this is a stretch too far for you right now, practice recognising how you’d like to respond in your mind for now. Notice how it feels to acknowledge yourself and give yourself some space in the relationship.
Include yourself in your relationships
If you often engage in people-pleasing and worry about what others think, your focus is mostly outside of yourself. The idea of checking in with yourself and listening to your feelings is probably a foreign concept. Our emotions and physical sensations give us lots of clues to what we truly desire and need in life. They also inform us about our values and beliefs (read more about emotions here). If you direct all of your attention towards others and dismiss your experience, you are essentially excluding yourself from the relationship. The way others start treating you may then reflect what you’re teaching them with your own actions. That your thoughts, feelings and needs don’t matter. More importantly, others never have a chance to get to know the real you, because all they’re getting is the version of you that says and does what others want. The true you isn’t really present. Try listening to your body for what emotions and physical sensations you’re experiencing while interacting with others. What thoughts are going through your mind? Get curious and see if you can acknowledge any self-judgement and place it aside. You may be able to learn a lot more about your true values, beliefs and desires (more about Embracing who you are here). Expressing yourself authentically allows others to get to know the real and whole you. This creates deeper and closer connections.
From people-pleasing to authenticity and connection
Challenging your internal narratives about the way others may reject, judge or dislike you can be tricky. Your past experiences may have taught you that focusing on the needs of others keeps you safe. The part of you that makes you say “yes” and ignore your own needs, probably served you well at some point in life. Back then that may have been the best way to take care of yourself. Acknowledging how this part of you supported you at the time and thanking them for all their hard work can be the first step towards a new path. Let this part of you know that you are now an adult and they don’t need to work so hard any more. You have other options to take care of yourself now. Recognise that this is not the whole of who you are, just one part that had a job to do once and sometimes still feels like it’s their time to get to work. Getting curious about the way they tend to show up in life can help you find understanding, acceptance and compassion for them and the rest of you. As you become more aware of when and how this pattern takes place, you’ll be able to find new ways to take care of yourself without compromising your authenticity. This will nurture deeper and more meaningful connections with others and allow for more freedom.
If this sounds familiar and you are struggling to step out of this pattern, reach out for support – It can be a difficult journey to take by yourself.
You may also enjoy reading How assertiveness helps you take care of yourself and your relationships
